I know I said I would never write about this, and in great detail I never will. It is my private life and I’d prefer to keep most of it that way. What I'd like to share here, is the amazingness of the community of people surrounding me.
When a tragedy occurs in your life, you will see true kindness in a select few and indifference in the rest. There are those who don’t want to be reminded of it; they would prefer you to cope privately and quietly so as to not be reminded of pain that is not their own. But the story isn’t over for me, it never will be.
I’ll spare you a lot of the details of the brutal hours that followed because that is my private life and again I’d like to keep it that way. I think about those next few weeks a lot and wish I had been stronger….for my own sake. But I wasn’t. I barely left my home or talked to my family any more than what was required. I deleted all my social media, never answered calls/texts and essentially just disappeared. I took care of all the logistics and phone calls, but other than that I was hardly functioning.
I eventually resurfaced, but in truth, it was really so I didn’t have to face what was happening. I couldn’t. I pretended everything was ok, but in reality I don’t think I spent a moment present in my own life for the next month straight. I could hardly focus on what was going on except for at night when I would allow myself a few moments to scream and cry into my pillow. I was angry at life, I didn't understand and was convinced something was wrong with me. I didn't want to be in a world where children were taken away from their mothers so tragically. My fear became stronger than my faith and I started to question everything I had ever believed in.
Here’s where pure kindness comes into this story. I can tell you, without a doubt in my mind that a large amount of my survival and recovery is owed to the hope, love, prayers in whatever form, and positive energy of friends and family. People who I never thought would show up- DID, and even those who I knew would care, cared more than I could have ever imagined. I have friends who have stayed by my side almost every second of these almost six months and kept me going. I have people who came into my life during the midst of all of this and have unknowingly pulled me through just by being their kind spirited selves. All of these things got me through each day and for that I am eternally grateful. To every person who said a kind word, paid a visit, gave a call, said a prayer, you made things a bit better in a time where everything felt hopeless.
Six months ago, my life stopped. I stopped going to work for weeks, I isolated myself and could barely get myself to do anything productive. Things are a bit better now, I can finally say I’m okay and mean it. My heart will never stop hurting, but getting through my day is a little bit easier now.
This might be the worst year of my life so far but I’ve learned so much. Life is such a beautiful tragedy. Those tragedies teach you lessons. I love a little deeper, laugh a little harder, I’ve been humbled and I’ve been blessed, I’ve found strength in myself and I’ve seen the love of others, and most of all I may have broken a few times along the way but I made it through. It’s hard. It’s so so damn hard some days. But it’s time to start a new chapter. My life is much different now than it has been in the last 10 years, this is my reality. This blank page of life is staring back at me asking to be written and I must find my faith once again and see where life is going. There is nowhere to go from rock bottom but up.
Thank you all, again, for pulling me through when I needed it the most.