Before you think someone else has taken over my body or brainwashed my thoughts- keep reading.
Over the last month and a half I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned what I need, what I miss, what I want and what I want to change about myself. All of this came about after my little “life break” I shall call it.
The more I run, the deeper I fall in love with the sport and the more running I want to do. I am so much more than a runner, but I am the best version of myself when I run. My love for the sport just grows deeper and takes me on all kinds of journeys. I know what it feels like to work hard for months and see the improvement. I refuse to just slog my way through a sub-par marathon and say “look at me! I have a marathon finisher’s medal around my neck!”. When I decide to run a marathon again, it’s going to be because I am willing to put my whole heart and every ounce of effort I have into it and right now, I can’t. It’s okay to dial it back a little in order to still work towards my goals. Taking a little time to recharge will give me the focus to push differently for my dreams and realign my passion for the sport.
Last year, I knew I wanted to run the Marathon and I didn’t let anything stop me. I had never felt myself fight for anything harder. I worked hard, my body didn’t fail me, my legs were able to take me all the way to the finish and I had a great time despite my apprehension going into the race. This year, everything and anything has stopped me. I want to enjoy the experience without being a total wreck. I’ve been trying to decide on/train/plan for #2 and I am a complete and utter mess. I don’t feel ready at all. I know people say that and don’t really mean it, but trust me when I say I’m not ready. My training thus far hasn’t been how I’ve wanted it... because- life. It’s been a struggle. I’ve really had to take a step back and look at everything differently. I need to give myself more of a break.
I think I'm going to stick to half marathons for a while and not run another marathon until spring/summer. It might seem crazy to you that I am already thinking that far ahead, but I have to. My mind just works that way. Plus my dreams are real big. I am also the type of person that wants and needs goals to thrive. I crave the routine and the training plans because they make me better, stronger and keep me sane. I’ve been feeling the pressure I’ve been putting on myself to perform better in my sessions with that trainer guy, the pressure of my body to stay healthy and the mental pressure of my real job has been exhausting. I also feel like I’ve been missing out on the small things in life, because I’ve been so overwhelmed and I hate that. The half marathon is my favorite distance and frankly I would like to be much better at it. So, for now, I will readjust my sails and put my focus on feeling good about my half distance. I am so pumped to implement some new strategies and make this training cycle rock.
It might be worth mentioning that I have entered my name into two marathon lotteries fully knowing this is how I felt. Should luck be on my side and I end up with an entry into either of them, I'll be okay since they both are early spring and I wouldn't have to change my focus of running a killer half before moving into full marathon training. I know I won’t be able to make my dreams happen without these moments that push me to do better and force me to go farther than I ever thought I could. Even with all the pain and tears of the last 8 months, I can’t imagine not running. I can’t fathom not having it be a part of my life. I want to experience it all. No one can tell me no. Even if it takes me my whole lifetime (and it very well might) I won’t stop chasing what I want in life.